What Keeps Couples From Connecting

I have discussed why couples fight before and you can check that blog out here. In this blog I want to continue that conversation. There are a multitude of reasons couples have trouble staying connected over time. The honeymoon phases always has a tendency to fade. There is something called Sternbergs Triangular Theory of Love. Don’t fall asleep lol… long story short this theorist came to the conclusion that there are three main components to love. He also goes on to describe how the combination or lack there of these elements create different relationship dynamics. Wanna know what they are? Keep reading.

1. Commitment

   When someone is committed they are dedicated and obligate themselves to a cause or person. Ranking high in this area helps couples and married folk to stick through hard times because they made a decision to be together. That can like all things be good and bad. There are certain circumstances where staying committed might be detrimental such as abuse or neglect. Many traditional relationships prioritize commitment but that does not mean that they have the other components.

2. Intimacy

   Intimacy can best described as “familiarity or friendship; closeness.” It is often confused for sexual closeness though that is one type of intimacy. Couples that highly prioritize intimacy know a lot about each other. They are really good friends and work well at anticipating each others needs. Why wouldn’t you want to spend your life. This component, like the other two, has its pros and cons which leads us to the last factor.

3. Passion

   Maybe our favorite component or the one that we feel initially and makes us interested enough to want to know and be more with a person is passion. Some definitions include “strong and barely controllable emotion, ” and “a strong liking or desire for or devotion.” Intense, right? In a future blog I will touch on the boring nuero-biological science behind this experience but for now some examples include the following. Feeling like you want to spend all your time with a person that they are always on your mind. The strong desire to be close physically and emotionally. Attraction and sexual attraction… obviously. This element gets you hooked on a person to but doesn’t typically last forever. When it fades people start to say they feel like roommates, or friends. They may also complain that things are not how they used to be like in the beginning of their relationship.

There are combinations of all of these types of love. Sternberg describes passion and intimacy as romantic love where as companionate love is comprised of intimacy and commitment. The third love combo is fatuous love he describes as passion and commitment but the one that he says we should strive to achieve and maintain is consumate love which includes all three passion, intimacy and commitment.

There are ways to balance out all three components. It may take intentional and strategic effort but it can be done. As long as everyone involved is ready, willing, and able there is hope for a more connected and satisfying marriage and/or relationship. You can do it on your own there are alot of free resources available in the form of books, videos, blogs, family and friends. Couples counseling is also an option and nothing to be ashamed about. Beyonce has to have a vocal coach. The best of the best utilize expert advice why not take a page out of their book and reach out to a couples therapist.

I hope my blogs are a helpful source of information. That they might help you to find comfort and solace in knowing that you’re not alone. That you matter and someone’s thinking about you. Submit blog topics and questions you'd like me to address here and subscribe below to stay updated. Until next time my friend.