Why Fear of Rejection is Self-Destructive
Sometimes it feels like being accepted by a person or group is a life or death manner, and rejection can feel like the end of the world. Some people feel this only during their most stressful, high stake moments. For others, this fear and insecurity can appear on most days, with most decisions. As isolated and anxious as this can make you feel, it’s important to be easy on yourself, and remember that this feeling is part of what makes us human. Literally.
This need to be accepted can be accredited to human evolution. Thousands of years ago, humans simply could not survive without their tribe and community. Our subconscious is prewired to associate rejection with death. Today, rejection won’t quite have the same detrimental impact on our lives, but these strong feelings can still arise. An FMRI study of social exclusion shows that rejection and physical pain stimulate the same areas of the brain (Eisenberger et al., 2003). Since our brains are built to avoid pain, rejection can lead humans to avoid the potential emotional pain of future risks (and opportunities).
This can manifest in a wide variety of social and professional situations, ironically working against our potential at joining new teams and building deep connections. Some examples of feelings and behaviors that can come from the fear of rejection are people pleasing, insecurity, passive-aggression, being overly sensitive to criticism, an inability to voice wants and needs, always blaming yourself, having a hard time saying no, and many more.
Although fearing rejection comes from a deep need to be liked, living in fear can lead to the self-fulfilling prophecy of failure. This fear can weigh us down romantically, professionally, and socially.
Romantically: Getting to know someone can be scary, and first dates can be frightening. If you’re constantly worried about what your date thinks of you, it shows through a nervous demeanor, fidgeting, and problematic speaking. First dates won’t be spent getting to know if you actually like your date, if you spend it worrying whether they like you or not. Marriage is built on compromise, understanding, and open-communication. If both sides of a marriage don’t feel secure with themselves and their commitment, this can lead to suppressed feelings, jealousy, fear of abandonment, and distrust.
Professionally: Confidence and the ability to present your skills are critical components in getting the job you want. In business, negotiating, sales skills, client connections, and relationship building are important qualities of the successful professional. If you don’t have the confidence to understand your positive attributes, every good opportunity can feel like your last, or you will talk yourself out of it before even trying. During high stress situations this anxiety can cause sweaty palms, fumbled speech, heavy breathing, and a high pulse. Confidence is critical in appearing as a valuable candidate and business partner, so you definitely must reflect that confidence in yourself.
Socially: We are social creatures and it is normal to crave connection on many levels. Still, unfamiliar faces and places can be intimidating. Self-doubt and insecurity can get in the way of new beginnings and new people. Risk aversion is the skepticism of risk-taking unless the payoff is guaranteed. Without the confidence to socialize and network, we can miss out on the conversations that lead to lifelong friendships and opportunities. If you’re too desperate to be liked, this can even lead you to do things that are against your own morals.
The solution requires more work on the inside than on the outside. It can be helpful to remember that everyone will feel this way at one point or another, and this experience is universal amongst all humans. This is a useful way of reminding yourself that just because you have failed you are not a failure; trial and error is part of life. It is critical to validate and accept the pain and discomfort of rejection. Denying that an experience has let you down will lead to suppressed pain, and your mind will be more likely to talk you out of your next opportunity. This is why figuring out why rejection scares you in the first place and facing your fears is the most direct approach.
Once you figure out the root of your doubt: practice rejecting negative self-talk, lean on an uplifting support system, and don’t be afraid to speak with a professional if you need a helping hand.
Citation: Eisenberger, Naomi I, Lieberman, Matthew D, & Williams, Kipling D. (2003). Does Rejection Hurt? An fMRI Study of Social Exclusion. Science (American Association for the Advancement of Science), 302(5643), 290–292. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1089134
Author Monique Micek
