Apologies serve a purpose and are absolutely necessary for communication. Apologies are meant to be reserved for owning up to mistakes, making amends, and asking for redemption. This helps us release guilt, feelings of remorse, and restore trust ((Kim and Harmon). Yet, the term “sorry” is a phrase that most of us use casually, day-by-day. I didn’t realize that this was a problem of my own until I repeatedly began receiving unexpected responses, “What are you sorry for? Why? You didn’t do anything.” Naturally, my next words were something like “Oh, yeah. You’re right… sorry about that.”

After making a conscious effort to note the things I apologized for, I realized I wasn’t using this phrase for the right reasons most of the time and maybe I did have a problem. My dog was a common receiver of these pleas. “Sorry, but I have to leave for work. Sorry we can’t go on a walk, it’s raining. Sorry you can’t come with me.” As ridiculous as it sounds, I thought of this as just another loving exchange. What could be so wrong with taking responsibility and considering someone else’s feelings first? In an attempt to come off humble and kind, with each unsolicited apology I presented myself as an insecure flatterer. 

It is respected to take accountability for your actions, but when you try to take accountability for things outside of your influence and control, once powerful words become diminished. The meaning of an apology is to make amends when you’ve hurt, disrespected, or violated the boundaries of another.

It is important to know what not to be sorry for:

• Things you didn’t do

• Needing more information/asking questions

• Circumstances you can’t control

• The way you look and/or feel

• Not knowing the answer

• Being unavailable 

Each human has their own needs, and it doesn’t necessarily make you a better person to put theirs before your own. This type of behavior has been correlated with people who see themselves as burdens and view their own wants and needs as less important than those around them. This type of person can carry a sense of shame; not just ashamed of their actions, but their being in general. The user feels like they are of no use in general if they’re not cleaning up messes or maintaining perfection. Self confidence, as always, is key.

The difference is clear when hearing this from someone occasionally versus often. Giving an apology when it is warranted can feel a lot like, “I’ve done something wrong, I’d like to make it better.” Constantly being sorry for your coincidental encounters with life and others presents the idea that the speaker feels they are bad at their core, and they wish they could do better in general. 

An overly apologetic person cares so much about taking ownership of other’s feelings that they put their own on the back-burner. They care so much about coming off as respectful, that they stop respecting themselves.  And other people pick up on this. When someone constantly questions themselves, others are more likely to second-guess putting their trust in them. Apologies can also get you into trouble. You’re at a 4 way stop, it is your right of way and you go, and someone hits you. Saying sorry can be seen by the law as an admission of guilt! (Except in Canada)

On the other hand, these actions can be selfish and manipulative. If you constantly act in a regretful way without positive change, “sorry” can be self-fulfilling and seen as an easy way out. “I said sorry you have to forgive me; Don’t get upset, I’m sorry; Can we just stop talking about it, I’m sorry.”

So, how does this subtly self-destructive trait even come about in the first place?

These types of messages usually have a lot more to do with the sender’s feelings than the receivers. This level of self-criticism lays its roots in an individual's childhood, sense of self-worth, and confidence. The sender’s are typically people pleasers, perfectionists, and have a lowered sense of self-esteem. Often appearing uncomfortable, incompetent, and embarrassed. 

Ways to overcome this habit:

• Awareness - Be intentional with your thoughts, feelings, and what is said. When you catch yourself apologizing, actively make an effort to pay attention to the way you are feeling and why. Dig deeper into your past, fears, and what causes your anxieties in the moment.

• Ask yourself if you’ve done something wrong - Is an apology necessary? If so, is it required from you or are you taking responsibility for someone else’s actions? Do you feel guilty even though you didn’t do anything bad? It can also be useful to talk with your peers about a situation and get their perspectives. This way you can get a better idea of how realistic the standards you set for yourself are. 

• Believe you matter - It is important to believe that your thoughts, actions, and feelings matter. You are equally as worthy of carrying your own values, thoughts, and background as those around you. 

• Catch yourself in the act - Maintain focus on your goals. Switch out self-defeating thoughts for positive self-talk. Be aware and intentional about what you ingest, think, and say. 

I used to believe that my overly-apologetic behavior was just a by-product in remaining humble, and open-minded. When in reality, I really wanted to be seen as a good person. I wasn’t always honoring my true beliefs and feelings. After using this vocabulary over many years, sometimes I apologize just out of habit. Some phrases that I’ve introduced in place of empty apologies are “Thank you for…”, “Unfortunately…” “Excuse me, I need…”  “I must…”

Kim, Peter H., and Derek J. Harmon. “Justifying One’s Transgressions: How Rationalizations Based on Equity, Equality, and Need Affect Trust after Its Violation.” Journal of Experimental Psychology: Applied, vol. 20, no. 4, 2014, pp. 365–379., doi:10.1037/xap0000030.

By Monique Micek