What does it mean to be a family? How does one define family? The traditional definition of family consists of a married couple, a man and a woman, with happy children, and are financially stable. The traditional definition has caused many people to have an ideal view of what a “real” family looks like. This ideal perspective consists of all members of the family having close and trusting bonds. However, the definition of family has changed over time. While the ideal family is loving and supportive, there are many people who grow up with a family that is far different from this idealization. It’s important to realize that the type of family we grow up with affects us in many different aspects as we grow into adults. 

If your childhood played out in a way that led you to feel negatively towards your parents, it is likely that you’re holding onto resentment and negative beliefs developed from traumatic experiences. Unfortunately, parenting styles have a huge impact on the mental health of children. If a child’s mental health is not addressed, they’re likely to be heavily impacted by their parents as an adult. So, what does this look like? Well, every individual processes and reacts to different experiences in unique ways. Poor parenting can develop adults with issues concerning self-esteem, creating intimate relationships, feelings of loneliness, and other mental health concerns.

Although it makes sense to blame one’s parents for the challenges of their children, it is ultimately the responsibility of the children to overcome them. Why? Because we cannot rely on parents to repair the mistakes they’ve made. At the end of the day, each person holds the power in healing and creating a better life for themselves.

So, how does one reclaim their power and heal from their childhood? It may be hard to hear, but forgiveness is the answer. There is power in letting go of resentment. However, forgiveness does not mean that you are okay with the way you were treated. Forgiveness means that you’re ready to heal from your experiences. Forgiving your parents does not excuse their poor parenting, nor does it mean that you are ready to improve your relationship. Rather, forgiveness looks like lots of self-reflection, understanding your parents on a deeper level, taking control of your life, letting go of the ideal view of family, and acceptance.

Forgiveness is not easy; however, here are some tips to help you process and transform your feelings towards your parents.

Sit and Reflect on Your Feelings

When you think of your parent(s), what emotions do you feel? Do you feel angry? Betrayed? Worthless? Or do you feel a mixture of emotions? Take some time to feel these emotions. If this is the first time you’re allowing yourself to feel, have patience. It may arise intense, negative feelings. If reflecting on these feelings feel too intense or uncomfortable, take a break. You may do a comforting and distracting activity, such as taking deep breaths or taking a walk. Don’t be discouraged, it may take a few attempts until you’re able to sit with these feelings long enough to process them.

If you notice that a mixture of emotions arise, perhaps different memories are associated with the mix of emotions. It may be helpful to pin down an emotion to a specific memory. Again, take breaks if needed. 

How does your parent(s) behavior make you feel right now? What emotions did you feel at that moment? Being able to form your feelings into statements helps you understand yourself on a deeper level. We must first honor our emotions during the process of forgiving someone. This is because it allows us to transform our emotions. In order to heal, we must learn to transform emotions into feeling less intense.

Now, how do we transform these feelings into feeling less intense? Creating a statement about emotions already begins to soothe them by revealing the thoughts associated with them. Lastly, consider if you’ve created any beliefs associated with your experience. You most likely have, you must then examine how true that belief is. For example, you may realize that you’ve created the belief that you’re not perfect enough. Consider some factors that prove this belief to be false.

Understand Generational Curses and/or Mental Conditions

The first tip towards forgiveness is probably the hardest. Next, it’s important to try to understand why your parents raised you the way that they did. In most cases, poor parenting results from a generational curse. Parents with poor parenting styles most likely experienced a difficult childhood with their parents as well. Unfortunately, many people pick up the habits and behaviors of their parents, resulting in the same poor parenting throughout generations. If this sounds accurate for your family, understand that your parents raised you the way that they were familiar with. They most likely adopted the same toxic thinking patterns and discipline from their parents.

Another factor to consider is the mental condition of your parent(s). Is it possible that they may have a condition that causes them to parent a specific way?

Whether or not the poor parenting you experienced is a result of a generational curse or a mental condition, realize that your parent(s) raised you the way that they were taught is best.

After Attempting to Understand Your Parents, Accept that Your Relationship with Your Parents May Never Be Ideal. 

Reflecting on your parent(s) past and/or mental condition can be upsetting. As children, we grow up believing that our parents are our best role models and that they always know best. However, now as we grow into adults, we learn that our parents are simply regular people and are still navigating through life. No matter how old we get, we are always learning about ourselves and how to become better people. The quality of your relationship with your parents depends on where they are in their personal growth journey and how much patience you have. Feeling neutral towards your parents can also be seen as positive! Feeling just “okay” is all you need to forgive and have peace of mind. Although it would be ideal to have a healthy, tight bond with your parent(s), it’s better to stay realistic and keep in mind that each family dynamic is different. Forgiving your parents is all you need to allow love to flow through again.

Let’s return to what it means to forgive. If memories with your parents are extremely triggering, it may sound impossible or even unfair to forgive them. In this case, it may help to replace the word “forgive” with “accepting your parents for who they are.” Again, accepting does not mean to excuse what happened in the past. To accept your parents for who they are means to understand that their parenting style is a reflection of their own childhood. The purpose of acceptance and forgiveness is for your own growth and healing. It’s normal to feel that forgiving someone who hurt you is unfair, especially if you feel that they don’t deserve it. Try to keep in mind that forgiveness is more about your relationship with yourself than with others. Forgiveness offers an opportunity to let go of hurt, move forward, and have peace of mind. 

Forgiving is not an easy thing to do. For some people, forgiving their parents may be the most difficult, triggering, and nerve-racking decision to make. If you are someone who can relate, understand that many people also feel the frustration that comes with a rocky parental relationship. It may feel uncomfortable, but forgiving your parents will give you the healing you need for other healthy relationships. Forgiving takes strength, patience, and compassion. To forgive means coming face to face with your deepest emotions. It is taking a leap of faith. Every parental relationship is unique. The deeper the wound, the more difficult it is to forgive. So, be patient with yourself. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness is liberation.

Author Nicolette Candari