Are You A People Pleaser?

Being a people please might be what is ruining you and your relationships. This blog is all about helping you live your best life. If you know anything about me, you know I am working on paying off all my debts. I just listened to a podcast about a guy that was in over $250,000 worth of debt. When asked about how he found himself in this situation he said he went to a private institute that his mother wanted him to go to which was half the debt and the other half was from a house he bought shortly after his father passed away because his father wanted him to. His words not anyone else’s he was making decisions based on what other people wanted and now has to deal with the very real consequences of those choices on his own.

Long story short hearing that story reminded me of the many clients I have that struggle with being people pleasers for lack of a better term. I, myself, am a recovering people pleaser. It comes from a good place but there is a healthy balance between giving enough versus too much.

1. Are you a yes man/woman/anything outside of or in-between?

   Solution: “No’ is a complete sentence. You do not have to explain or justify why you are declining to think, say, and'/or do something for someone else. Learn to stand your ground and advocate for yourself by practicing saying “No” Boundaries which we will discuss later create a healthy foundation for any relationship at work or with families and friends. When we skip this step and overextend ourselves for other people we build up resentment and get burnt out at a much quicker rate. Be kind to yourself and others by advocating for your needs to be met. That means sometimes doing what people do not like in present, but hopefully understand in the future. You are worth having your needs meet just like everyone else.

2. Do you feel like people tend to come to you to solve their problems?

   This is not a bad thing. Having the ability to help people and be generous enough to do things for others that no one else can or will do is a gift. However, you don't want your gift to become a curse that holds you back and hinders your progress and personal growth and development.

   Solution: Set up boundaries as you create and build relationships, as well as, reestablish boundaries for existing relationships. This might be a little easier said than done, but the work you put in upfront pays off in the long run. Establishing boundaries as you form connections is much easier because there is no previous concept of your way of being. Reestablishing boundaries can lead to it getting worse before it gets better because people subconsciously are used to being a certain way. Like children, they might test the boundaries until they realize they are not going anywhere. That means you must be consistent in order for them to stick.

3. Do you feel like if you don’t do things for others they will not like/love you?

   Solution: Define your identity independent of anyone else. When you know, really know who you are then there should be nothing that can shake you. Again, that is much easier said than done. If you are in a relationship and you feel like your service relates to how much you are cared about or is an indication of your value to this person, it might be time to take a step back and reevaluate. What we don’t want to do is blame others by saying they created the issue with their needs but we have to understand the relationship between how we present and what that calls into our lives as a result. Everyone, hopefully, taking responsibility for their contributions ins a situation can lead to a more mutually beneficial exchange.